Hernán Cortés leaves a Google Review of the Aztec Empire

And let’s just say: it’s a bit of a burner.

Original post (05/05/1520):

“I am most pleased to be in a position to comment on this niche, tucked away civilisation. The boys and I had a fantastic time, overall.

The scenery was most sumptuous — lake Texcoco is an absolute must Tenochtitlan truly is the Venice of these parts.

The locals and staff were (mostly) hospitable, and they sought in every effort to treat us like gods. Plenty of food. Sizeable gifts of gold. Wonderful, people, willing and submissive.

Some parts were more friendly than others — I recommend the cities of Tlaxcala and Tizatlan if you’re looking to make friends.

The atmosphere is a bit of a downer; the humidity is less than hospitable, owing to the natural splendor and obsequious amount of vegetation. I do, however, recommend you still bring a good set of armour with you despite the conditions. Showers of arrows and darts are infrequent but nonetheless troublesome.

All in all, I had a good time and the owner, Moctezuma II was an affable host.

I will most definitely visit again!”

Edited post (15/05/1522):

“I’m pained — just as I was at losing two fingers! — to have to burn this review down to a 3-star.

On my second visit, I was most disappointed to discover that, after switching owners, this place really has gone down hill; and such a pity at that!

The staff and locals were no longer as friendly as they were previously, and there’s a general disdain wafting in the jungle.

Cuithahuatzin was a terrible host.

We were also refused entrance into Tenochtitlan this time (not too sure why) and I wasn’t aware that this whole affair was a BYOB situation — the lack of upfront communication was shocking!

Food was lacking. Service sucked. And what a disaster that whole fire-scare was! You’d figure a city on the lake would have better measures implemented to prevent such tragedies.

And don’t get me started on the disagreeable weather: it’s unbelievable just how many arrows, darts, and spears fall from the sky during the Summer. It’s crazy!

Thankfully, there was still enough gold to make up for it. I might have otherwise been inclined to lower it to a 2-star. There is still potential here!

I’ll come again if only I get to make some changes myself.

Nonetheless, I’d like to thank Smallpox Viral Software for sponsoring this trip. It wouldn’t have been possible without them.”

Replies:

“It gives me great displeasure, señor Cortés, to remind you that all of this could have been avoided had you heeded our warnings.

But you did not.

Time and time again we told you to leave, owing to your overstay; time and time again you stole more gold than you were permitted as per our gifts; and time and time again, you harassed our people.

You took our kindness too likely — we treated you not as gods (as you would like to believe) but as distinguished guests like we do all our visitors, expected or not. In truth, we hid honesty for pleasantry; truly, you and your crew were hideous creatures, reeking of some foul guano, faces adorned in birds’ nests — seriously, what the hell were you wearing?

I would also like to remind you that it was you who propagated that fire instant, you who crashed our Fiesta Toxcatl, you who mistook our kindness for weakness.

Moreover, why complain about the change in ownership when you were directly responsible for that change? Is that not what you wanted?

Now, please (kindly) fuck off and stay away.

Sincerely — the Mexica People”

“Great review, Hernán! I was thinking of traveling further south, myself — rumour has it, I might stumble upon El Dorado — but I’m not too sure what the weather’s like. Could you possibly give me some pointers? Any travel tips, advice, et cetera?

Thanks!”

“BYOB? We were supposed to bring our own beer? Seriously? I wasn’t made aware of this!”

Cortés replying to @Alvarado:

“Build Your Own Boat. Brigantine, if we’re being specific.”

Alvarado replying to @Cortés:

“Ohhhhhhhhhh…”

“Very nice, Hernán. Quick question: how did you manage all that, what with the language-barrier and all? I heard they speak Narwhal there, or something like that (not that that’s very important).

Anyway, I hope you continue all your travels in my name, of course. Oh, and don’t forget to pop in a word from Pope Leo X for me, will you?

[1522 Edit]: Whoops, I meant Adrian VI!

[1523 Edit]: Never mind, it’s Clement VII now.

[1534 Edit]: You know what, just put in a word from The Pope.”

La Malinche replying to @Charles_V: [this comment was removed]

Jerónimo de Aguilar replying to @Charles_V: [this comment was removed]

Cortés replying to @Charles_V:

“Of course, my most Noble, Powerful and Catholic Prince, my Invincible Emperor, my Sovereign Lord!

What can I say? — I just have a natural talent for these things, really. It was all me. Check your dms and I’ll send you the details.”

Charles_V replying to @Cortés:

“Hernán, wtf!? I thought you were going to send a message, not a whole damn book. I’m not reading all that!”

---

All graphics were made by the Author in Canva. Portraits taken from Wikimedia Commons.

Thanks again to all my readers!

If you would like to support me further,

feel free to check out my blog over on Medium!